woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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