Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
