1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
