I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
