i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
being pregnant is like rehab
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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