Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
