Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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