All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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