Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
it glows. i had to have it.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
