Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
