Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
