I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
barbara walters just said penis...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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