WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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