Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
