This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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