I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
