I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I didn't notice because vodka
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
