Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
