Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
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