Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
