My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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