he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
