So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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