This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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