when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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