WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
