I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
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