i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize