Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
