What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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