Sry I called you an 8
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
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