I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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