I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Randomize