I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize