I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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