wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Randomize
