I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
