Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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