Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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