Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
