I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
