dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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