i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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