i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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