I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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