apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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