I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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