I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
