so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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