In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
