chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I need to stop coming to work sober
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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