why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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