I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
