Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
