This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
