Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize