Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize
