There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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