Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
