I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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