I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
