Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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