He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
