I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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