Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
